What Happens When Coparents Have Different Rules?

You’ve probably heard the saying that kids get the “best of both worlds” when their parents have different rules after a separation – your structure and their fun. But what if that’s a myth? What if the massive inconsistency between two homes isn’t creating a well-rounded child, but an anxious one who feels like they have to manipulate and survive?

As parents, we want our children to feel secure, loved, and stable. But when one home has an 8:30 pm bedtime and the other home’s bedtime is whenever the video game ends, it can feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle. This is a common and difficult struggle for many coparents, and the good news is, there are ways to create more stability for your child, even if your coparent isn’t willing to change.

The Hidden Impact of Inconsistency on Your Child

Imagine your job description changed every single week. You’d likely feel stressed, constantly testing boundaries to figure out what’s expected of you. This is what can happen in a child’s brain when they’re switching between two homes with vastly different rules. They’re not being “bad kids” when they say, “But Dad lets me do it!” They’re acting like little scientists, trying to figure out the rules of their world. They’re just trying to figure out what will work for them in this new environment. This isn’t about blaming anyone; it’s about understanding your child’s emotional reality and creating a sense of security for them.

Part 1: The Ideal Solution – A Conversation

The first and most hopeful possibility is to have a conversation with your coparent. Think of this as a business meeting about the most important thing in both of your lives – your child.

Step 1: The Approach. A gentle and non-accusatory approach is key. You could say something like, “Hey, would it be possible for us to set aside maybe 20 minutes this week to have a conversation about Johnny? I want to make sure that we’re on the same page about a few things so that Johnny can feel as consistent and stable as possible.” This kind of language focuses on your child’s well-being and opens the door for a collaborative discussion.

Step 2: The Goal. The goal isn’t to make your two homes identical. Instead, focus on a few “big wins” that will make a significant difference for your child. These could be things like bedtimes on school nights, nutrition, homework routines, or screen limits. When you talk, use “we” language and center the conversation on your child’s benefit. Instead of saying, “Your house must be a chaotic mess,” you could try something like, “I’ve noticed Johnny is having some tantrums on school nights. I think if we could have some consistency with bedtimes, it might help reduce the tantrums.”

This approach is about coming together to solve a shared problem, not pointing fingers. But what if it doesn’t work?

Part 2: When You Can’t Agree

Sometimes, your coparent might have a “my house, my rules” defense. This is their way of protecting their own view of how they want to parent, and it can feel like a solid wall. But this doesn’t mean you have to give up. Your goal isn’t to control what happens at the other home. Your goal is to make your home a rock of consistency for your child.

• Find Common Ground. Take a look at the rules at your coparent’s house. Is there anything you can align with that would create more consistency for your child? If you can adopt a rule or routine that benefits your child without compromising your own values, why not do it? It’s a simple way to create more stability for them.
• Empower Your Child. For the things you can’t match, you can calmly explain the differences to your child without blaming or criticizing your coparent. You can say, “I understand that’s how it works at Mom’s house, and that’s okay. In our house, this is how we do it so that we can stay healthy and get our work done. The rules at her house and the rules at my house are just different, just like the rules at school are different from the rules at home.”

This approach accomplishes three things:

1. It validates your child’s reality. You acknowledge that things are different, and that’s okay.
2. It removes you from the role of criticizing the other parent. You don’t have to get into a conflict; you just state the facts.
3. It establishes your authority in your own home while allowing your coparent to have theirs.

Consistency is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. By providing a stable, predictable environment in your home, you are creating a safe space where they can feel secure, loved, and understood.

Don’t walk this path alone. For a more detailed look at these strategies and to hear how you can create a consistent, calm home for your child, listen to the full discussion on our YouTube channel. You can find hope and support there.