How To Validate Your Child But Not Trash Your Coparent

Dealing with the complexities of coparenting can feel incredibly challenging, especially after a separation or during a period of change. You’re likely juggling a lot of your own emotions—feeling overwhelmed, burdened, and constantly trying to figure out how to set healthy boundaries. But through all of that, your child remains your absolute priority. So, what happens when they come home from their other parent’s house, sharing stories, feelings, or even complaints that leave you feeling stuck and unsure how to respond without making things worse? This is a perfectly common and understandable challenge, and you are definitely not alone in wanting to support your child without inadvertently causing more conflict or stepping into a minefield.

The good news is, there are thoughtful and effective ways to handle these moments, always keeping your child’s needs at the forefront while still respecting your coparenting relationship.

The Trap of Invalidation: Why Our Instincts Can Go Awry

Think about a time you shared a difficult experience with a loved one—perhaps feeling mistreated in a relationship. How would it feel if they simply dismissed your feelings with, “Oh, but they love you”? That would likely feel incredibly invalidating and frustrating. Yet, as coparents, we sometimes find ourselves in a similar spot when our children express discomfort or upset about something the other parent said or did. It’s almost as if our feet are stuck in concrete blocks, and our ability to think clearly just vanishes.

This often happens because we worry about “badmouthing” our former partner or making them look bad to our children. But in trying to avoid that, we risk denying our children’s reality. We might unintentionally send a message that their feelings don’t matter, or that mistreatment is okay as long as there’s love. Our children really need to know that their feelings are valid, even when situations are complex.

The Power of Listening and Validating Feelings

When your child hops into the car after a visit and starts sharing their concerns, the first and most vital step is to listen deeply. Sometimes, depending on their age, they just need to express themselves—whether it’s about having to give up their cell phone or eat dinner with people they didn’t want to. Your role is to hear what they have to say and try to understand the hidden messages in their words.

Validating your child’s emotions helps them feel heard. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their take on the situation or instantly invalidate your coparent. Instead, focus on their emotional experience. Try responses like:

“I bet that really upset you, huh?”
“I don’t think I would have liked that either.”
“Tell me how you handled it.”
“What are your questions about the situation?”

You could also ask, “Were there other parts of the weekend or the day with this person that you enjoyed?”. The goal here is to help your child realize that while certain behaviors might not be okay or make them feel good, a person can still be both hurtful in one situation and a good, loving parent in another. It’s about helping them understand and validate their own feelings, without you “trauma dumping” your own issues onto them.

Handling Different Household Rules

A very common scenario in coparenting is when children complain about different rules at the other parent’s house. Maybe their dad took away their cell phone because they didn’t clean their room, a rule that might be different from how things work at your house. It’s easy for kids, especially pre-teens and teenagers, to prefer the parenting style that gives them more freedom, and then “dump” their frustrations on the other parent.

In these situations, you absolutely can validate your child’s feelings—for example, saying, “I know your phone’s very important to you, and it’s hard to lose it”—without undermining your coparent’s right to set rules in their own home. You might say things like:

“When you’re at your dad’s house, dad’s rules apply, right?”
“You need to follow his rules”.
“What could you have done differently to make it easier for dad not to take your phone?”

You can help them understand that different places have different rules, and that doesn’t make the rules wrong, just different. Using an analogy, like school rules about cell phones, can help them connect the dots. It’s not about loving your children less; it’s about helping them grasp boundaries and consequences, while still acknowledging their feelings of sadness or frustration. It’s highly unlikely that your coparent is imposing rules that are truly harmful to your child, even if they’re different from yours, unless you genuinely see your coparent as a villain.

When the Behavior is Truly Hurtful: Addressing Sensitive Situations

Sometimes, what your child brings home isn’t about different rules, but about genuinely hurtful remarks or actions. Imagine a child struggling with body image who hears comments from a parent about eating “extra cookies” or looking “a little bit bigger”. This isn’t a “follow the rules” situation; it’s a hurtful experience.

In such cases, validating the child’s feelings is absolutely paramount. You might say, “Wow, that must have really hurt your feelings”. It’s crucial to reaffirm your child’s worth: “Who you are and what you are and your body is perfect for you”. This is a tricky spot, because you don’t want to unintentionally force your child to choose between parents or put them in an impossible situation. Focus on offering reassurance and love, without turning every shared concern into a long, drawn-out conversation or a “crusade” that demands immediate action, lawyers, or meetings. Children generally don’t want a long discussion; they want reassurance and then to move on. If your child sees a therapist, suggesting they journal about their feelings or discuss them in their next session can be a very helpful strategy.

Empowering Your Child and Communicating with Your Coparent

It’s perfectly natural for children, as part of their development, to sometimes try to “play one parent off the other” to gain an advantage. This is just part of being a kid. When your child tries to get you involved in triangulating against the other parent, you can gently empower them to speak directly to the parent about how they feel, if appropriate. For example, you might suggest, “If Dad says that to you again, say, ‘Man, that hurts my feelings'”. While there’s a significant power differential and it can be scary for a child, empowering them to communicate their feelings directly can be incredibly beneficial in the long run.

When it comes to communicating with your coparent about these concerns, approach it with grace and humility. Most parents, even if they’re sometimes a bit clueless or struggling, don’t intend to harm their children. If you have a generally good-natured coparent, you might start the conversation by sharing your own struggles: “Man, I’m having some difficulty at my house; I feel like I keep saying the wrong thing. Are you experiencing that too?”. This opens a dialogue without blame or criticism.

A powerful strategy is “taking things off the table”. This means explicitly stating your positive regard and shared goals right at the start of a potentially difficult conversation. You might say, “I adore you, I love you, our relationship is wonderful, I’m not abandoning you, you’re not abandoning me”. With a coparent, this translates to: “I think you’re a wonderful parent. I think you have the best of intentions. I’m not trying to attack you”. By removing these foundational fears and insecurities, you can then focus on the specific challenges and discuss what you both might need help with. Crucially, taking the past off the table is also vital, as past hurts can cloud current conversations and are often irrelevant to the present moment.

Regulate Yourself First

Finally, remember that as a parent, you need to regulate yourself before you can effectively help your children regulate their own emotions. When your child says something that “punches you in the heart” or triggers a strong emotional response, it’s absolutely okay to take a moment. You can tell your child, “Let’s put your clothes away and have a snack, and then we can talk about it”. Even just a few minutes to gather your thoughts can be incredibly valuable in ensuring you respond calmly and thoughtfully, rather than reacting from a place of fear or frustration.

Coparenting is an ongoing journey, often filled with complex situations. By prioritizing your child’s emotional well-being, validating their feelings, setting healthy boundaries, and fostering respectful communication with your coparent, you can approach these challenges with clarity. This allows you to provide your child with the stable, loving support they truly deserve. It’s all about finding that sweet spot: making your children feel heard, loved, and safe without feeling interrogated or pulled into adult conflicts.

Start today, with hope and purpose, transforming challenging moments into opportunities for connection and growth.