6 Ways High Conflict Coparents Sabotage Extracurricular Activities

Navigating Extracurriculars: A Guide to Compassionate Coparenting

When you’re a parent, few things are as exciting as seeing your child discover a passion. The thought of them scoring the winning goal, mastering a new instrument, or shining on stage can fill you with so much joy and pride. But for parents navigating a separation, even something as simple as signing up for soccer or art class can become a source of immense stress. If you’ve ever felt like you’re caught in a tug-of-war over your child’s activities, you are not alone.

The goal of compassionate coparenting is to put your child’s needs first, always. This can be challenging when you’re also dealing with your own emotions, setting new boundaries, and trying to communicate with a former partner. The struggle is real, but a clear, calm approach can help you protect your child and your peace of mind. Let’s talk about some of the ways high-conflict situations can derail the extracurricular journey and how you can steer the ship back on course, with your child’s best interest at the heart of every decision.

When Extracurriculars Become a Battleground

One of the most disheartening things about high-conflict coparenting is when a child is unknowingly placed in the middle of a conflict. This can happen when one parent tries to gain an upper hand by manipulating the decision-making process around extracurriculars. Instead of an open conversation, a parent might try to get a child’s buy-in first, long before a discussion with the other parent has even happened. This can unfairly put one parent in the role of the “fun” one, while the other is left to look like the bad guy who is more concerned with their schedule or budget than the child’s happiness.

This approach can manifest in several subtle but damaging ways:

The Hype Machine: Imagine your child coming home buzzing about a new sport or activity, completely sold on it before you’ve had a chance to even consider it. This often happens when a parent “glamorizes” an activity by only showing the best parts—like the fun of travel tournaments or the chance of a scholarship—without mentioning the hard work, time commitment, or potential cost involved. This creates an unrealistic expectation and can make the child think they’ll be having fun all the time.
Creating a False Sense of Urgency: Sometimes, a parent will wait until the last minute to bring up an activity, saying something like, “The deadline is tonight, and there’s only one spot left!”. This tactic pressures you into a quick “yes” and prevents you from having a thoughtful conversation about the schedule, costs, or whether it’s even what your child genuinely wants.
The “Our Special Thing” Tactic: A parent who wants to create a closer bond might frame an activity as “our special thing”. This can be particularly effective if a child is craving more time or attention from that parent. It puts the child in a no-win situation: they either agree to the activity to feel “worthy” of their parent’s attention, or they feel guilty for rejecting the overture.
Pre-emptive Undermining: A parent might say to the child, “I’d love to sign you up, but I’m not sure your other parent will agree. They worry a lot about money and time”. This frames the other parent as the problem before any discussion has even taken place. This can plant a seed of doubt in your child’s mind, making them question your motives even if you end up being fully on board.

These kinds of tactics, whether intentional or not, can be incredibly damaging to your child’s emotional well-being and your coparenting relationship.

The Impact on Your Child and Your Coparenting Relationship

The effects of these scenarios on a child’s development are significant. They can create intense feelings of anxiety and guilt, as the child starts to feel responsible for the outcome. They may feel torn, as if showing interest in an activity is a betrayal of one parent, and not showing interest is a betrayal of the other. This loyalty conflict can be a heavy burden for a child to carry.

Furthermore, this manipulation can obscure your child’s real interests. It becomes difficult to know if they truly want to do an activity or if their interest has been manufactured by a parent. This can prevent them from exploring other activities they might have been genuinely excited about.

These situations also create resentment and distrust in the coparenting relationship. When one parent undermines the authority of the other, it erodes trust and makes it nearly impossible to make collaborative decisions. A child may also lose respect for a parent who is constantly being framed as the “bad guy”.

Your Guide to Staying Calm and Centered

When your child comes to you with a manufactured excitement about an activity, it’s natural to feel frustrated. But the first and most important step is to regulate your own emotions. Remember that your child has been put in an impossible situation.

Lead with Empathy: Start by acknowledging their feelings. You can say something like, “Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun! I can see why you’re so excited. Tell me more about it”. This approach validates their excitement and helps you gently figure out what their genuine interest is. Is it the activity itself, or is it the idea of hotel pools and trips?
Take the Pressure Off: Gently remind your child that this is a big decision that you and their other parent need to make together. This lets them off the hook and removes the burden from their shoulders. You can say, “This sounds like a lot of fun, and it’s also a big decision. This is something your other parent and I will talk about together to make a plan and make sure it works”.
Avoid Blame: It can be incredibly tempting to criticize your coparent, but this will only pull your child further into the conflict. Keep the focus on the decision-making process and what’s best for the whole family.
Have a Conversation with Your Coparent: Once you’ve talked to your child, approach the conversation with your coparent. Do so with a calm, matter-of-fact attitude. You can say something like, “Hey, [Child’s Name] mentioned they were really interested in [Activity]. I’d love to talk about what that would look like for our family and see if we can make it work.”

While navigating extracurriculars after separation can feel overwhelming, it’s a crucial opportunity to model healthy communication and conflict resolution. By prioritizing your child’s emotional safety and working toward a compassionate coparenting dynamic, you show them that even big changes don’t have to mean big drama. You’ve got this.

Learning how to navigate extracurriculars collaboratively is a powerful step toward a more peaceful coparenting journey. Our guide on cooperative coparenting offers practical strategies to help you and your coparent make decisions that truly serve your child’s best interests.

Take the next step toward a healthier coparenting relationship.