12 Steps to Managing Extracurriculars with a High Conflict Coparent
When Cooperation Isn’t an Option: 12 Steps for Managing Extracurriculars with a High-Conflict Coparent
The Unexpected Burden of Separation
If you’ve found yourself rereading your Coparenting agreement and feeling a heavy knot of dread in your stomach, you are not alone. When you first separated, you likely hoped for cooperation, for easy agreements on school sports, music lessons, or debate club. Now, reality might look more like a constant, wearying battle. When one parent is high-conflict, every decision—especially those concerning your child’s enrichment—can feel like a major emotional undertaking.
This isn’t an ideal situation, and it can feel overwhelming, but please know there is hope and clarity available. Your job is to shift your mindset from hoping for cooperation to planning for its absence. We’re moving toward making cooperation irrelevant so you, the parent focused on your child’s best interest, can get these important extracurriculars happening.
This process is about creating boundaries, meticulous documentation, and putting your child’s emotional and developmental needs first. Here are 12 steps to guide you through this challenging but necessary process.
The 12-Step Plan for Bulletproof Coparenting
1. Know Your Order, Inside and Out
Your first step is to treat your court order like your personal instruction manual. Review it carefully. Do you have sole or joint legal decision-making authority for extracurriculars? If you have sole custody, there are often still requirements to communicate and attempt to agree. If you have joint custody, you must strictly comply with all provisions. A high-conflict Coparent will use any perceived misstep to try and undermine you. Make yourself bulletproof by knowing and following every rule, and documenting every move.
2. Start with Your Child’s Heart
Before proposing an activity, check in with the one who matters most: your child. Don’t fall into the trap of suggesting activities you want for them. Instead, pay close attention to what they are already interested in. What are they talking about? What are their friends doing? Simply having normal conversations with your child will give you clues about their genuine interests and passions. This centers their needs, which is the cornerstone of healthy child development.
3. Do the Homework (The Research Phase)
Once you know what your child wants, do the legwork to make it a reality. Look up costs, schedules, locations, and all the day-to-day requirements. This is your due diligence. Have all the facts and figures ready before you proceed.
4. Submit a Business-Like Proposal
Now, it’s time to communicate. Send a proposal to your Coparent that is neutral, business-like, and fact-based. Include all the research you gathered and ask for a response within a set, reasonable timeline. This establishes an expectation and a clear paper trail.
5. Use a Reliable Communication Channel
This step is non-negotiable for high-conflict coparenting. Use a documented method of communication like a parenting app (Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents) or professional email. Never use easily altered or deleted methods like text, WhatsApp, or Snapchat.
6. Consider the Feedback (Don’t Ignore the Valid Points)
Assuming they respond, consider their feedback. Being high-conflict doesn’t mean they are wrong about everything. If they offer valid, constructive points related to scheduling or logistics, consider them and respond appropriately. Ignore the emotional “garbage,” but engage with anything that is actually focused on successful Coparenting.
7. Take Action According to Your Order
After negotiation, the time for action arrives.
- If you are the sole legal custodian: You may disagree with your Coparent and move forward. Document why you disagreed and why you believe the activity is in the child’s best interest.
- If you are a joint custodian and have an agreement: Lock it in. Detail the agreement in writing on the app or by email and ask for confirmation. Don’t assume an agreement is secure until it is explicitly confirmed in writing.
8. When There is No Agreement, Follow the Order’s Process
If no agreement is reached, follow your order’s provisions. This might mean going to a parenting coordinator (PC). If so, set up that meeting immediately. If you’re at an impasse and the extracurricular is critical, you may need to decide if you are willing to file motions to seek a decision from the court or even to seek a modification of your joint custody orders.
9. Proactively Manage the Logistics and Enrolment
If you move forward, expect to manage most, if not all, of the administrative tasks yourself. This is about what you want your child to experience. Handle enrolment, deadlines, fees, equipment needs, and group chat portals. Document every single thing you do. This builds a record for any future court action, showing your willingness and capacity to facilitate your child’s activities.
10. Maintain Two Sets of Equipment
With a high-conflict Coparent, you cannot rely on them to have equipment available or be willing to share it. For essential gear, adopt the “two-set” rule. Have one set that travels and a backup set at your home to prevent being stranded before a crucial game or event.
11. Manage Finances with a Written Agreement First
Never assume your Coparent agrees to the price of equipment. Get an agreement in writing regarding the specific cost or price range before any purchase. For example: “I am looking to spend up to $X on a baseball bat. Do you agree?”. Once purchased, document the expense, request reimbursement through your parenting app, and if they refuse to pay, you must be willing to enforce by filing contempt motions. You must be willing to defend your rights and your child’s right to reimbursement.
12. Manage the Schedule and Transportation (and Your Expectations)
Use your parenting app or a shared Google calendar that you control (view-only access for them) to manage the schedule. Send weekly reminder emails with all the facts: dates, times, and locations. A follow-up reminder 24 hours before an event is also wise.
For transportation, you may have to accept that you’ll be doing most, if not all, of it. While not ideal, trying to force a high-conflict Coparent to adhere to the schedule often takes more energy and expense than simply managing it yourself. Remember, you are in triage mode, prioritizing your child’s ability to experience the activity over winning a minor battle.
Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean
The constant drama surrounding a separation is exhausting, but remember your audience: the court, the parenting coordinator, and most importantly, your child.
Manage your own conduct. When you are on the sidelines, focus only on your child and their activity. Do not engage in Coparenting business or conflict. If your Coparent is violating boundaries or norms, use your parenting coordinator early and often, but always document everything.
Judges and PCs are often wary of seeing both parents as part of the problem. If you manage yourself well—if your side of the street is clean—it makes it much easier for them to side with you and take action against a Coparent who is the only one acting poorly. This isn’t a battle you have to fight alone; the court system is there to help enforce the rules and protect your child’s opportunities.
Finally, be open to the possibility that your child might prefer peace over the activity. As they get older, children become increasingly aware of Coparenting conflict. Sometimes, they would much rather live in peace than play baseball. Focusing on activities you can do together, just on your time, might be a worthwhile compromise to protect their emotional well-being.
You cannot control your Coparent. Focus on what you can control: the boundaries you set for yourself, the documentation you prepare, and the love and stability you provide your child. That is where your true power lies.
For more resources, courses, and articles on managing conflict and prioritizing your child’s emotional needs through your Coparenting journey, check out coparentacademy.com