The Dangers of Rushing Into Reconciliation Therapy

Divorce and separation bring a whirlwind of emotions, leaving many parents feeling overwhelmed and burdened, especially when navigating the complexities of coparenting. For those stepping into reconciliation counseling, perhaps with an estranged child, the idea of “risk” might seem counterintuitive. After all, if you’re not seeing your child, what more is there to lose? But the truth is, entering reconciliation counseling unprepared can actually make things worse, not just for the child, but for the parents too.

It’s natural to assume that things can’t get “worse” than estrangement. However, diving into reconciliation counseling without adequate preparation can unfortunately lead to deeper hurt for everyone involved. For parents, it can mean having their feelings genuinely bruised. For children, it can re-open old wounds, particularly if they witness a parent becoming angry, speaking unkindly, or demeaning the other parent or extended family members they still have a relationship with. These family connections, often maintained by the custodial parent, are important to the child. Hearing them disparaged can be incredibly distressing and counterproductive to rebuilding trust.

Think of it like getting your child ready for kindergarten. You wouldn’t send them without knowing their colors, address, or basic letters and numbers, right? You prepare them for success. Reconciliation counseling is no different. Parents need to be ready to engage constructively and be open to making real progress. While some gentle coaching can help, it’s not about providing a script. It’s about fostering genuine change in behavior and attitude.

Before embarking on reconciliation counseling, there are several key areas where parents need to be prepared. This isn’t about judgment; it’s about setting the stage for success and, most importantly, prioritizing your child’s well-being.

1. Financial Readiness: Reconciliation counseling is an investment. The estranged parent often bears the initial costs. Being financially prepared ensures that sessions can occur regularly and without interruption. Consistent engagement is vital for building momentum and achieving lasting progress.

2. Emotional and Behavioral Stability: If past conduct led to the estrangement, it’s crucial to address those issues proactively. This often falls into several categories:

• Presence and Consistency: If absence was an issue, demonstrating a newfound commitment to being stable and consistently present in the process is paramount.
• Substance Abuse: Any drug or alcohol issues need to be managed to a degree where safe and effective participation in counseling is possible.
• Domestic Violence/Coercive Control: This is a serious area requiring significant work. It’s not just about managing anger; it’s about understanding and addressing coercive control. Programs that teach communication skills, compassion, and perspective-taking are essential. The goal is to “fix yourself” as much as possible, so you can enter the process openly, vulnerably, and be ready to hear difficult truths without reacting defensively.

Children, especially adolescents, are incredibly adept at identifying and triggering a parent’s vulnerabilities. This can be intensely challenging, striking at the core of self-esteem issues that may have contributed to the estrangement in the first place. Being able to absorb perceived “attacks” without lashing out is one of the biggest pitfalls, and crucial for success.

Coming into reconciliation counseling unprepared, whether by making negative comments to your child, appearing under the influence, or reacting poorly to your child’s emotions, can severely damage the process. Often, the child will simply disengage, having witnessed firsthand why the estrangement occurred. The parent, realizing the extent of their behavior, may distance themselves from the process out of embarrassment or a sense of defeat. The unfortunate truth is that future opportunities for reconciliation may be lost, potentially for good. Your child’s willingness to allow you back into their life will depend on your behavior, not just during counseling, but for the rest of their lives.

Imagine trying to light a cozy fire for s’mores and connection, only to dump a bucket of water on the kindling. That’s what unpreparedness does to the delicate rekindling of a relationship. All the effort and financial investment made to reach that point are wasted. Calling your child a liar, especially when their memory of events (perhaps when you were inebriated) is clearer than yours, is a surefire way to extinguish any hope of progress.

While some clients may be genuinely unmanageable, they are a small minority. Most parents who are willing to engage in the conversation, even with a challenging past, have taken a massive first step. They are often willing to take direction and just need clear feedback on what “ready” looks like. The desire to start reconciliation immediately is understandable, but the only thing more important than starting right away is ensuring success.

This is where a supportive attorney or counselor becomes a critical partner. They can help you understand the necessary steps for preparation, communicate effectively with the court and other parties, and ensure everyone is on the same page before the process begins. If you can’t behave appropriately with your attorney when discussing your ex, or if you resort to aggressive or inappropriate language, it’s a clear sign you need to work on those communication skills before facing your child.

The goal is to show up for your child in a way that truly serves their needs. Sometimes, this means “faking it till you make it” – picturing a calm, empathetic person and striving to respond as they would, even when you feel attacked. Over time, this can become a genuine habit. Most importantly, demonstrate empathy for your child, and even for the other coparent. Reconciliation is not a competition. Blaming the other parent for the estrangement will only alienate your child further, as they have no trust or credibility with you.

It’s far better to invest six months to a year in getting yourself truly ready, even if it means missing out on immediate contact, to give yourself the best possible chance of building a healthy, lasting relationship with your child for the next 50 years. This isn’t a loss; it’s a profound investment in your family’s future.

Contact Us today to explore resources and support tailored to your family’s unique coparenting journey.