How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Coparent

Beyond the Playdate: How to Navigate Difficult Coparenting Conversations with Clarity and Compassion

You’re a coparent, and you’re faced with a tough decision. Maybe it’s about which school your child will attend, or maybe it’s something simpler, like whether they can go to a sleepover. Whatever the topic, you and your coparent have different ideas, and the conversation feels like a minefield. You might feel a lot of pressure to “win” the argument and defend your position.

You’re not alone. Many parents find themselves in this exact situation, feeling overwhelmed and burdened by the need to get it “right.” But what if there was a different way to approach these conversations—one that prioritizes your child’s best interests and honors your own feelings, all without the drama?

A helpful way to begin is by talking about the different perspectives you have on a particular issue. Instead of coming into a conversation with a single rigid “position,” consider sharing the various ways you’re looking at the situation. This approach is different from simply stating what you want; it’s about being honest about your own feelings.

For example, let’s say you and your coparent are debating about which preschool to choose. One option is very academically focused, while the other is more play-based. You might feel strongly that the play-based school is the best choice because you believe “the work of childhood is play” and that important life skills are learned through that. At the same time, you may also understand the other side’s perspective—that you don’t want your child to fall behind their peers. You can acknowledge both of these feelings and say, “Part of me believes our child needs an environment where play is the focus, but another part of me understands the desire for them to be successful later in life, and not fall behind.”

This approach allows you to express your perspective without making the other person feel like they have to defend theirs. It opens the door for a real dialogue, not just a debate. It’s about recognizing that you can hold multiple, even conflicting, feelings at once. You might also be feeling sadness or guilt about the situation, and acknowledging those emotions can make the conversation more productive. Sometimes, we want to give our kids what we needed but not what they need. This can be a powerful question to ask yourself: “Am I trying to give my kids what I now believe I needed then, but might not be what this kid needs?”

Of course, your coparent might not respond in the same way. You might try to have an open, emotionally intelligent conversation, and they may shut it down, saying, “I don’t care how you feel; we just need to make a decision.” This can be incredibly frustrating. When this happens, it’s important to be kind to yourself. This reaction is likely a pattern for them, and it’s not a reflection of your worth or your efforts.

When you’re faced with this kind of roadblock, you can choose to end the conversation for now without giving in to their demands. You could say something like, “That’s a really good point. I hear you. Let me think about that more, and we can talk again soon.” This gives you an opportunity to step away and take care of your own emotional needs while still making it clear that the conversation isn’t over. It breaks the conversation into manageable stages, which can make it more tolerable for everyone involved.

Remember, the goal is not to “win” but to find a solution that serves your child’s best interests. This often requires a deeper understanding of your own feelings and a compassionate curiosity about your coparent’s perspective, even if they aren’t able to express it in the same way you do. By slowing down and honoring the complexity of these situations, you can move from a place of conflict to one of collaborative problem-solving.

For more insights into how to handle these moments, you can listen the podcast “How to Have Hard Conversations with Your Coparent.”