High Conflict Coparenting? Try the “FACTS Only” approach

When coparenting feels like an endless cycle of unresolved issues and emotional drain, you’re not alone. Many parents find themselves in this challenging space, seeking a way to communicate effectively for their child’s well-being without getting bogged down in conflict. There’s a simple, yet powerful tool that can help make your coparenting conversations smoother, more focused, and less emotionally taxing: the “Facts Only” approach.

Bringing Clarity to Coparenting: The “Facts Only” Approach

The “Facts Only” communication method is designed to be quick and to the point, taking just a few minutes each week. It’s not about rehashing old arguments, delving into emotional issues, or airing insecurities. Instead, it focuses on essential, actionable updates regarding your child’s immediate needs. This approach is built around an easy-to-remember acronym: FACTS.

Let’s break down what each letter stands for:

F is for Feedback: This refers to important information you’ve received about your children from third parties like teachers, coaches, or doctors. It’s about keeping both parents informed on what external professionals are observing and recommending for your child’s development and well-being. For example, if a teacher mentions your child’s grades are slipping, this is crucial feedback to share. It’s not your personal opinion or feedback to your coparent, but objective information from others.
A is for Activities: This section covers your child’s weekly schedule of activities. Laying out their soccer practices, piano lessons, or any other commitments helps ensure everyone is on the same page about what’s happening, when, and where. Coparenting apps often have a shared calendar feature that can be incredibly helpful here, allowing you to easily reference and confirm schedules.
C is for Concerns: These are new or ongoing concerns about your child that aren’t part of their typical routine. This could be anything from a persistent cough, changes in sleep patterns for an infant, or challenges with potty training. The goal is to provide a brief update on the status of these concerns, including any steps being taken, such as medication updates or doctor’s appointments.
T is for Transportation: This ties in with activities and appointments. It’s about confirming who is responsible for transportation to and from events like sports, tutoring, or medical appointments. Clarifying these logistical details prevents misunderstandings and ensures your child’s needs are consistently met.
S is for Supplies: This category addresses any supplies your child might be running low on or needs for upcoming events. Perhaps they need new medication, a uniform for an upcoming sports season, or new school supplies. The idea is to propose a need and suggest how to address it, fostering collaboration rather than assuming one parent will handle everything.

Implementing “Facts Only” in High-Conflict Situations

You might be thinking, “This sounds great, but my coparenting relationship is far from ideal.” And that’s okay. The “Facts Only” approach is especially valuable in high-conflict situations.

Choose Your Communication Method Wisely: If your coparenting relationship is strained, ditch text messages. They are prone to misinterpretation and can easily be fabricated. Instead, use dedicated coparenting apps like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents. These platforms are structured, maintained by third-party servers, and provide an unchallengeable record of your communications, which can be invaluable if court involvement becomes necessary. If an app isn’t an option, create a separate email address solely for coparenting communications. This keeps everything organized and easily accessible should you ever need to provide those records.

Set Your Own Schedule: Ideally, you and your coparent would agree on a schedule for sending these updates. However, if that’s not possible, take the initiative yourself. Establish a consistent rhythm that works for you and your child’s needs. Maybe it’s a weekly email every Monday morning, with supplemental emails sent as new issues arise. Even if your coparent doesn’t reciprocate, you are proactively communicating in a way that prioritizes your child and demonstrates your commitment to effective coparenting. This consistency builds a history of responsible conduct that can be helpful down the line.

What if the Response is Not “Facts Only”?

It’s natural to worry that your efforts to communicate facts will be met with negativity or accusations. This is a valid concern, and it can be emotionally draining. Remember, you can only control your own behavior. By consistently sending “Facts Only” communications, you are doing your part to foster productive conversations about your child.

If your coparent’s responses are filled with irrelevant drama or hostility, try to extract only the information that is responsive to your child’s logistical needs. If navigating these combative emails is too triggering, consider using AI tools to help. You can input your “Facts Only” email and their response, and ask the AI to identify the pertinent information, saving you from having to wade through the negativity yourself. This allows you to get the information you need without getting pulled into unnecessary conflict.

The “Facts Only” approach helps you manage the weekly logistics for your child and can also bring to light larger issues that might require more in-depth discussion at a different time. By adopting this consistent pattern, you are showing a commitment to efficient and productive conversations about your child. This not only fosters a more peaceful coparenting environment but also builds a valuable record of your responsible actions should you ever need to demonstrate your efforts to a court. It’s a way of simultaneously caring for your child’s immediate needs and building a strong foundation for your future as a coparent.