Do You Know Why You’re Mad at Your Coparent?

Is Your Coparent Making You Mad? Here’s How to Shift Your Mindset

Conflict often feels inevitable when you’re coparenting. Even if you have the “worst luck” with your Coparent, and conflict seems unavoidable, it doesn’t have to be harmful to you or your child. In fact, conflict isn’t inherently bad; it can be a positive force if you approach it the right way. The first step toward turning conflict into a constructive experience is to pause and ask yourself: What’s really upsetting me, and why am I so angry?

Let’s use a common example: your Coparent is 10 minutes late for a visitation exchange. You’re sitting in a parking lot, with nothing to do but let your frustration build. Your thoughts start to race, your engine revs, and you get more and more upset. By the time your Coparent arrives, you’re fuming. Your face and body language will show it, and your child will sense the tension immediately. Children are incredibly perceptive and pick up on our emotional cues, and you don’t want your time with them to start on such a negative note.

Instead of letting yourself get revved up, take a moment to calm down and look inward. The key is to understand that often, when a small thing like a 10-minute delay upsets us, it’s not actually about the small thing itself. It’s about the entire history wrapped up in that one moment. If you keep conflating small issues with unresolved, underlying, bigger issues, every minor inconvenience will feel like a major problem. This is a common pattern in coparenting relationships, and it’s not good for anyone.

Uncovering the Deeper Issues Through Journaling

A powerful way to begin this process of introspection is to start journaling. Whether you write in a notebook or type on your phone, writing down your thoughts can help you understand your emotional responses. It helps you see patterns in your interactions and uncover assumptions you might be making that aren’t helpful.

When you journal, don’t hold back. Let all the negative thoughts flow out. You might think, “They did this on purpose to ruin my day.” Or, “They knew I had plans with the kids and wanted to make us miss out.” You might even believe they spent those 10 minutes talking negatively about you to the children. Some of these thoughts might be rooted in past experiences, but others might just be negative self-talk fueled by your own pain and hurt. Getting these thoughts out of your head and onto paper is a crucial step.

Writing your feelings down is a logical activity that engages the thinking part of your brain. This simple act of putting feelings into words can help you regulate your emotions and feel less reactive. It’s a way of getting out of the emotional chaos and into a more centered, logical space.

Reframing the Situation

Once you’ve allowed all those negative thoughts to flow out, you can start to reframe the situation with a little less reactivity. Ask yourself, “What else could be true?”

Sure, it’s possible that your Coparent was intentionally trying to upset you. But what about other possibilities? Maybe there was a bathroom emergency on the way. Maybe your child forgot their homework and they had to turn back. Maybe they just hit unexpected traffic. Or perhaps your Coparent is simply chronically late to everything. If that’s the case, their lateness isn’t a personal attack on you; you’re just collateral damage. While it’s still frustrating, it’s not malicious.

This doesn’t excuse a lack of communication. Your Coparent should have texted or called to let you know they were running late. But you don’t have to jump to the most negative conclusion. By allowing yourself to consider more positive scenarios, you give yourself a powerful gift. Our bodies actually react favorably when we are charitable toward others. You’ll feel less stressed and less reactive, and offering a generous interpretation will make you feel better about the situation.

The Power of Emotional Downshifting

This process—getting your negative feelings out and then reframing with more positive alternatives—is a form of emotional downshifting. You’re moving from being revved up and angry to feeling calmer and more centered. This prepares you to greet your children in a way that starts your time with them off on the right foot.

When we reactively respond to a Coparent’s provocation, we often just add to our own misery. Your Coparent is 10 minutes late, and now you’re angry and upset. Your children sense the tension and are impacted by it. You’re now spending your precious time with them dealing with the emotional fallout of a situation that didn’t have to be that way. Even if your Coparent was intentionally being difficult, your reaction has taken more time away from you and your kids. If you’re angry about the 10 minutes they took from your day, you should be even more frustrated with yourself for allowing your emotional response to take even longer.

This is where your child’s well-being is at stake. The goal of coparenting is to protect your children from the conflict between you and their other parent. By learning to manage your emotional responses, you are modeling healthy coping strategies and showing your child that they are your top priority. You are a calm guide, not a chaotic rant.

Communicating from a Place of Calm

Later, after you’ve processed your emotions and done your journaling, you can look back and find the real issue. Is it the 10 minutes, or is it a recurring lack of communication? Is it a deeper feeling of disrespect? By identifying these trends through your journaling, you can address the root of the problem.

When you’re not in the moment and not reactive, you can communicate with your Coparent in a way that is more likely to produce a positive outcome. You can thoughtfully express your needs without resorting to a reactive, angry text message that might make things worse. This also allows you to prioritize which issues are most important to address. You have a limited amount of “relational capital,” and you need to use it wisely. Addressing major issues, like an ongoing pattern of disrespect, is far more productive than getting into a fight about a minor delay.

Taking the time to regulate your emotions and respond thoughtfully will help you avoid sabotaging yourself. It prevents you from creating a record of being difficult or reactive, which is a much better outcome for everyone involved, especially your children. Your journey of healing dysfunctional parenting patterns and building compassionate coparenting strategies starts here. This shift in mindset and approach can lead to a more peaceful, respectful, and effective coparenting relationship for the benefit of your child’s development.

The first step in addressing coparenting conflict is to pause, ask yourself what’s truly upsetting you, think through the alternatives, and then, at a later time, formulate a response that addresses your needs.

Ready to take the first step toward a more peaceful coparenting relationship?