Extracurriculars – A Practical Guide for Cooperative Coparents

A Harmonious Guide to Coparenting and Extracurriculars

Navigating extracurricular activities after a separation can feel like a complex puzzle with missing pieces. You might feel pulled in different directions and burdened by the thought of yet another potential disagreement. But what if we told you it doesn’t have to be this way? What if you could make these decisions with your coparent in a way that benefits everyone, especially your child?

It starts with a simple truth: productive conflict is possible. When two people fundamentally disagree, a well-thought-out process can lead to a resolution that feels respectful and fair. The key is to remember that you’re on the same team, working toward a shared goal – your child’s well-being.

Let’s explore a cooperative framework for making these decisions, from the big-picture conversations to the day-to-day logistics.

The Annual Kick off Meeting: Setting the Stage for Success

Before you sign your child up for anything, it’s a good idea to have an annual “kick off meeting” with your coparent. Think of this as a dedicated, kid-free time to get on the same page about the year ahead. This meeting helps you avoid last-minute surprises and creates a shared understanding of what’s possible.

During this meeting, you can cover a few key topics:

Reviewing the Past Year: What worked well with extracurriculars last year, and what didn’t? This review can help you figure out what to continue and what to avoid.
Considering Your Child’s Input: You can discuss what you’ve heard your child express an interest in or what they’ve said they definitely don’t want to do again. This is a conversation you have without your child present to avoid putting them in the middle.
Defining Your Goals: This is a crucial step. Are you signing them up for an activity just for fun? To build a skill? To teach teamwork or leadership? Or are you aiming for something more serious, like scholarship options down the line? Understanding your shared goal helps align your decisions.
Budgeting: Money is often a point of tension. It’s important to agree on a specific budget per child, per year, and decide how you’ll split the costs. Options include a 50/50 split, a percentage based on income, or each parent covering a specific expense, like one parent paying for piano lessons while the other handles softball. The most important thing is to be on the same page and avoid financial surprises.
Time Commitment: Discuss how much time you’re both willing to dedicate to these activities. This could be a cap on the number of activities per season or a maximum number of hours per week.
Delegating Research: End the meeting by deciding who will research which activity. One parent can look into the costs and schedule for one activity, while the other does the same for another. This ensures you both come back with objective information to make an informed decision.

The Selection Process: Bringing Your Child into the Conversation

Once you’ve had your kick off meeting and done your research, you can involve your child in the selection process. This is where you bring your research findings to the table, sharing what you’ve learned from your child and from your online research.

From there, you can run potential activities through three key filters:

The Child Filter: Does this activity genuinely speak to your child? Is it appropriate for their age and abilities? Remember, this is about what they want, not about you reliving your own childhood dreams.
The Schedule Filter: Does the activity fit into the schedules of both households? It’s important to consider each parent’s unique time constraints and be open to the idea that one parent might take on more of the logistical work, like transportation, if their schedule allows. Fair doesn’t always mean equal, as long as everyone agrees on it from the start.
The Budget Filter: Does this activity fit within the budget you both agreed upon in your kick off meeting? Honesty and transparency are key here.

It’s also a good idea to start with a trial period for any new activity. This could mean renting an instrument instead of buying a new one or signing up for a short, low-commitment season to see if your child enjoys it. Keeping things low-key at the beginning can prevent you from investing a lot of time and money in something that doesn’t work out.

Age-Specific Considerations

A child’s needs change as they grow, and so should the approach to their extracurriculars.

Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2–5): The focus here is on exploration, play, and social exposure. Activities should be low-commitment and short-term. The goal is simply to make it fun and low-pressure, exposing them to different things without any expectation of mastering skills or making a commitment.
Elementary School (Ages 6–10): Fun with friends is still a priority, but this is a time for building foundational skills and learning about teamwork. The commitment can be a bit longer, maybe for a season or a semester. As coparents, you’ll start working on logistics and schedules, as these activities will have more structure.
Middle School: This is when children start to focus on developing skills. It’s a time to balance extracurriculars with academics and teach them that these activities are a privilege earned through good grades and conduct. You can also give them more of a voice in the decision-making process, while still setting realistic boundaries around time and money.
High School: For high schoolers, activities can become a path to mastery and a part of their identity. These activities may even influence future goals like scholarships. If a teenager is trying something new, however, remember to treat it like an initial exposure. Start low-commitment and inexpensive to see if they like it before fully investing.

Handling Disagreements and Maintaining Respect

Even with a plan, disagreements can happen. When they do, remember to:

Reiterate Your Shared Goal: Remind each other that you both want what’s best for your child. This shifts the dynamic from “you vs. me” to “us vs. the problem.”
Explain Your Position: Don’t just say “because I want to.” Explain your reasoning to give your coparent a chance to understand your perspective.
Find a Tiebreaker: If you can’t agree, consider a short trial period or letting the parent who will be most impacted by the activity have the final say.

Finally, set boundaries to maintain mutual respect. Be unified on finances, use a shared app for reimbursements, and talk about any unexpected expenses as soon as they arise. Be respectful on the sidelines—both in person and online—and remember that you are a team. Make a plan for when one parent can’t take the child to an activity, and make sure both of you have all the information about the activity, whether it’s from a group chat or an in-person event.

By working together, you’re giving your child a beautiful gift: the opportunity to explore a passion without the burden of parental conflict. This allows them to fully enjoy and benefit from their extracurriculars, building skills and self-esteem in a supportive environment. And what could be a better gift than that?

By working together on extracurriculars, you’re giving your child a beautiful gift: the opportunity to explore a passion without the burden of parental conflict. This allows them to fully enjoy and benefit from their activities, building skills and self-esteem in a supportive environment.

If you found this guide helpful, we encourage you to watch the full video for more practical advice on cooperative coparenting and extracurricular activities. By taking these steps, you can create a positive and lasting impact on your child’s life.