Are You Winning Custody But Losing Your Child?
Is Winning the Coparenting Battle Worth Losing Your Child?
You fought for it, and you won. You got the parenting schedule you wanted, the one that felt fair. The court battle is over. You have the time with your child you asked for. But as you drive away with them, the car is quiet. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells. The victory feels hollow.
If this sounds familiar, you might be falling into a common, destructive trap that many coparents face: the scoreboard mentality.
Coparenting is hard. It’s a journey filled with fierce, protective love and a constant fear of loss. But sometimes, the actions we take to “win” can lead to the very results we’re afraid of. The scoreboard mentality is when you start keeping track of every detail—parenting time, overnights, who paid for what—and lose sight of what’s best for your child. Your focus shifts from winning with your child to winning against your ex.
The Three Traps of the Scoreboard Mentality
When you’re focused on the scoreboard, your decisions are driven by what’s fair for you, not what will truly benefit your child.
1. The Schedule Trap
You fought hard for a 50/50 parenting schedule because you felt it was fair. But be honest with yourself: is your job so demanding that you can’t be present for your child during that time? You may have won the hours, but you’re losing the moments that truly matter. Your child won’t remember the percentage of parenting time; they’ll remember when you were actually there with them.
2. The “It’s My Time” Fallacy
Your child gets invited to a birthday party with friends from your ex’s social circle, but you say no because it’s “your time”. Or maybe your ex’s extended family invites your child on a wonderful vacation, and you refuse to let them go. In your mind, you’re just enforcing the schedule. But your child hears a different message: “My other parent’s right to have me is more important than my happiness”. They may feel like you want to possess them, not love them.
3. Weaponizing the Right of First Refusal
Let’s say your ex needs to run an errand for a few hours and, according to the court order, offers you the right of first refusal. Your teenager would rather stay home alone, playing their video game, which is safe and what they want to do. But you demand that the child be given to you. This isn’t about spending time with them or acting in their best interest. More often than not, it’s a power play. Before you insist, ask yourself: Is this for my child’s benefit, or is this a power play against my ex?
The Tomorrow Test: A Better Path Forward
So, how do we fix this? Ditch the scoreboard and use what we call the “tomorrow test”. It’s a simple question to ask before making any coparenting decision:
In a week, a year, or ten years from now, will this decision have strengthened my relationship with my child or weakened it?
This question isn’t about what’s fair to you or what’s in the parenting plan. It’s about building a strong, lasting relationship with your child.
Let’s apply the tomorrow test to the traps we just talked about:
- The Schedule Trap: Will your child have fonder memories of a stressed, barely-present parent with a 50/50 schedule, or a more relaxed, involved parent with 30% or 40% of the time?
- The “It’s My Time” Fallacy: In ten years, will your child remember that you stuck strictly to the schedule, or that you were generous enough to let them go on an amazing adventure with their other parent?
- Weaponizing the Right of First Refusal: Will your relationship be stronger if you disrupt your child’s day for a few hours, or if you show grace and trust by letting them stay comfortable where they are?
This test applies to all parts of parenting, including discipline. A scoreboard parent focuses on control and punishment, trying to assert dominance through fear. A tomorrow test parent sees their obligation as making the world a safe, loving place for their child. This builds trust and connection, not fear.
Your child’s childhood is not a game to be won; it’s a foundation to be built. Stop trying to win the scoreboard and start parenting for connection. This week, we challenge you to find an opportunity to turn your back on the scoreboard and pass the tomorrow test. Respond with grace and generosity. Don’t think about what’s fair to you; think about what’s best for building a long-term, loving foundation with your child.
Contact Us today to explore resources and support tailored to your family’s unique coparenting journey.