Are you Overcommunicating with your Coparent?


When you’re dealing with the world of coparenting, it can feel like you’re walking through a minefield of unspoken rules and emotional triggers. Figuring out how much to communicate with your child’s other parent is a common challenge, especially for those who are newly separated or feeling overwhelmed. It’s easy to get caught in a cycle of saying too much or not enough. The goal is to find a healthy middle ground that serves one purpose above all else: the well-being of your child.
It’s time to find a compass and get through this communication maze.
Your Roadmap: What’s Actually Necessary?
The best place to start is with your parenting order or joint custody plan. Think of it as your official roadmap. This document outlines your responsibilities and provides guidance on what you must talk about. For example, it might say you have to let the other parent know your summer vacation week by April 15th. Following these clear rules is the simplest way to make sure you’re providing necessary information without going overboard.
Of course, a court order can’t possibly predict every single communication need. Life with kids is unpredictable, so a few simple guidelines can help.
Necessary vs. “Helpful”: The Subtle Difference
One of the biggest sources of conflict is mistaking “helpful” information for necessary communication. Necessary information is just information. It doesn’t include your opinions, your feelings about past events, or your theories on the other parent’s personality.
For day-to-day matters like school events, doctor’s appointments, or extracurricular activities, a straightforward approach is best. Focus on the core facts: Who, What, When, Where, and How. “The soccer game is on Saturday at 10 a.m. at Elm Street Park.” Simple. Clear. Complete.
When you’re making a significant decision, like choosing a new school or a different daycare, the “Why” becomes crucial. This is where you can offer your reasoning, such as, “I think this daycare is a better fit because it’s closer to our son’s school and has more certified staff”. This kind of communication helps you and your coparent make a joint decision based on facts, not just feelings.
When Extra Communication Comes from Anxiety
If you are receiving communication that feels unnecessary, take a moment to pause. Before you react defensively, consider where it might be coming from. Sometimes, what looks like nitpicking is actually rooted in anxiety. This is especially true for a parent who may have been the primary caregiver in the past and is now adjusting to a new dynamic.
They might be worried about things they used to handle every day, like making sure your daughter wears a specific jacket on a cold day. While it might feel like they’re doubting you, it could be their own anxiety showing up. In these moments, a simple, “Thanks for the reminder!” can work wonders. It doesn’t mean you admit you would have forgotten. It’s just a gracious way to acknowledge their input and show that you are a team, even if you’re a team working from two different houses.
Ignoring the Noise: When to Step Back
Some communications, however, are not born from anxiety but from a place of anger, resentment, or a desire to provoke a reaction. These are the snipes, the accusations, and the unhelpful reminders of the past. If you find yourself on the receiving end of this kind of communication, the best approach is to ignore it. You don’t need to defend yourself against every accusation. Just respond to what’s necessary and leave the rest alone. It sends a clear message that you won’t engage in drama, and over time, the conflict will often lessen.
A Deeper Look at Your Own Communication Habits
If you’re the one who finds yourself overcommunicating, it’s time for some gentle self-reflection. Is your communication driven by genuine concern for your child, or is it a way to feel in control or vent your own frustrations? If it’s the latter, consider the cost. A constant stream of unnecessary or angry messages can lead to higher legal bills and ongoing court battles. More importantly, this negative energy can spill over and harm your child, who may overhear your conversations or even read your messages. Your child deserves a peaceful coparenting environment.
Growing Together, and Communicating Less
The amount of communication you need will naturally change as your child gets older. A teenager can often advocate for their own needs, while a younger child needs you to be their voice. In the beginning, be open to more communication as you find your rhythm. But as your coparenting relationship grows stronger and healthier, you may find that the communication broadens to include joyful, unnecessary messages or even a photo of your child’s winning goal or a funny story from their day. These are the moments that truly enrich your coparenting journey and show that you’re moving forward together.
Ultimately, by focusing on what’s necessary, setting boundaries, and putting your child’s well-being at the heart of every interaction, you can transform a chaotic situation into a calm and stable foundation for your family’s future.
Ready to hear more? Listen to our podcast episode on this topic to gain insights into creating a healthy coparenting dynamic.