What To Do If the Judge Thinks You’re the Problem in Custody Case

Rebuilding Trust: A Guide for Parents in a Custody Case

It can feel incredibly overwhelming when you’re in the middle of a custody case and you sense the judge has decided you’re the problem. You might feel like you’re starting from behind, and it’s tempting to just give up. But before you do, try to see things from the judge’s point of view.

A judge has the difficult job of deciding what’s best for your child, and they can only rely on the information presented in the courtroom. They aren’t allowed to go out and investigate things on their own. If the evidence suggests that your behavior isn’t in your child’s best interest, the court will naturally be concerned, and the first thing they’ll need to know is that they can trust you.

So, how do you rebuild that trust? It starts with a simple but crucial step: doing what the court tells you to do, even if it feels unfair. If the court has concluded that you’ve been neglectful, abusive, or just haven’t been acting like an adult, you need to begin with some very basic, practical things. Any judge will want to see that a parent has their life together before they are trusted with a child.

The Foundation: Getting Back to the Basics

This is about proving you’re a reliable person. Get a job if you’re able to. Have a stable place to live that’s your own, where you’re on the lease and can’t be easily kicked out. Pay your taxes, have insurance for your vehicle, and get utilities in your own name if you can. If you’re in school, make sure you’re attending and doing well. Whatever you can do to show the court that you are dependable, you need to start doing it now. This is especially important if your child has special needs.

Communicating with Your Coparent

When you’re dealing with an unhealthy relationship with your coparent, you need to become a good communicator. Stop calling them names or labeling them. Every time they communicate negatively, you need to show that you are reliable and dependable. Don’t respond to attacks or return them. Instead, give business-like responses to information about your children. It’s best to do this in a way that can be documented, like through a parenting app, rather than over the phone.

Taking Care of Yourself

If the court has determined you have an issue with anger management, substance abuse, or mental health, you need to address it exactly as the court wants you to. Find qualified professionals, get the necessary assessments, and follow through on them. You need to show the court that you are invested in improving yourself to be the best coparent you can be. You’ll need to provide evidence of this, such as by giving releases so a guardian can access the information.

This process will be difficult, and your coparent might not be helpful. They may even try to keep you from having access to your children. It will be tempting to demand access because you’ve made changes, but the court needs to see humility from you.

As you do this work, you’re not just rebuilding trust with the court; you’re increasing your parenting and coparenting capacity. You’re showing that you understand where you were and that you have a real desire to get to where your kids need you to be. Doing this can lead to you getting equal time with your child and even joint decision-making. And if your coparent continues to refuse to cooperate, you might even open up the possibility of becoming the primary custodian in the future.

The first step is all about you. You need to repair the damage you’ve done, whether that’s to your reputation, your finances, or your relationship with your children. If you’re in this tough spot, don’t give up. Your children need two good parents in their lives if at all possible. You are one of those two, so do everything you can to be the person your kids need you to be.

Don’t give up hope. You have the power to turn this situation around. The path may seem difficult, but every small step you take to rebuild trust is a step toward a brighter future for you and your child. Start today by taking one action, whether it’s getting an assessment, finding a job, or simply writing a business-like response to your co-parent. Your child is worth the effort, and you are capable of doing this.