8 Reasons Not to Mindread Your Coparent

When a family goes through a separation, the role of a coparent can feel overwhelming and burdened with the need to navigate new territory. It can be hard to find hope and clarity when you’re struggling to set boundaries and find a new way to communicate. A key part of moving forward in a healthy way for everyone involved, especially the children, is to stop trying to read your coparent’s mind.

Mindreading, or assuming you know what another person is thinking or why they are acting a certain way, can be incredibly damaging in a coparenting relationship. While it might seem like you know your coparent well, especially since you had a child together, this practice can lead to unnecessary stress and conflict. It’s a journey from feeling lost to finding solid ground, and it starts with a simple, but powerful, shift in perspective.

The biggest issue with mindreading is that you are often wrong. You might think you have a perfect understanding of your coparent’s motives, but their reasons for an action are likely more complex than you assume. When you operate on these assumptions, you’re basing your own decisions on incorrect information. This can lead to choices that hurt you, rather than helping you, because you’re using faulty data.

For example, you may assume a negative intention, when in reality, your coparent’s actions are simply a result of them making a mistake or not thinking things through. By assigning malicious intent, you are placing an unnecessary emotional burden on yourself. It’s much easier to deal with a situation where someone was simply being “stupid” or “inadvertent” than if you believe they were actively trying to hurt you. This isn’t about letting go of legitimate grievances, but about freeing yourself from a self-imposed cycle of anxiety.

Mindreading Blocks Healthy Communication

Effective communication is the cornerstone of successful coparenting. When you mindread, you skip over the crucial step of curiosity and go straight to judgment. To improve your coparenting relationship, you need to ask questions and seek understanding. If you’re concerned about your coparent’s intentions, the first step is to ask them directly. Mindreading only replaces productive conversation with anxiety-inducing thoughts.

Understanding Yourself and Your Coparent

Mindreading is often a form of projecting your own feelings onto your coparent. We tend to project our hurts and past traumas onto them, especially if the relationship ended poorly. While it’s possible you might be right about their intentions, it is unhelpful to structure your entire relationship around your own past wounds.

It’s also important to consider that people can grow and change. When you mindread, you are often viewing your coparent through the lens of who they were at the most negative point in your relationship. While it’s true that not everyone changes, you risk ignoring the possibility that they have grown since the separation. Assuming they are the same person they were in the past is unfair to them and to you, as it closes the door on the potential for a more peaceful future.

The Impact on Your Coparent and Your Child

When you accuse your coparent of having negative intentions, they will likely become defensive. Imagine if the roles were reversed. If you made an honest mistake and your coparent accused you of malice, you would probably feel angry and defensive. This reaction increases conflict and prevents a calm, rational response. A curious and non-judgmental approach, like asking “Can you help me understand what was going on?” is more likely to lead to a productive conversation.

Ultimately, the goal is to lessen conflict for the sake of your children. Unnecessary arguments stemming from mindreading not only harm your relationship with your coparent but also model poor communication for your child. Children observe how their parents interact, and they will notice you assuming the worst about their other parent. By modeling curiosity, goodwill, and charity, even in difficult situations, you are teaching your child how to navigate conflict with grace and maturity.

A New Way Forward

Instead of trying to figure out if your coparent’s actions are malicious, insecure, or simply foolish, it’s better to be curious. Asking questions and having productive conversations can transform conflict into an opportunity to learn about each other, create a shared understanding, and grow together as coparents.

Ready to learn more about how to transform conflict into a positive opportunity for growth? For a deeper discussion and all the details on why mindreading can hold you back, we invite you to watch the full video.